Here's hoping...

So here it is..it's about 27 hours shy of the last time I spoke with my ex. Before you ask me why I'm such a creep, or broken-hearted loser I know this bc the last time I spoke to him the world found out that U.S. Navy Seals, under the leadership of our President Barack Obama had killed Osama Bin Laden. We had a conversation about how great of a moment this was and haven't spoke since. 


I've come to terms with the fact that despite the fact that he is the love of my life, he may not be my soul-mate. To be honest I still feel a sharp pain in both my stomach or heart when I see certain things or think of certain moments together. I'm not sure when I'll be in a place again to love someone else, nor am I sure I'll ever meet anyone else to love. 

Here's to hoping he's a million times happier than I am, and his search for his soul-mate is less of an uphill battle than mine. The only thing I have going for me is the fact that I'm hoping the fact that I don't want to be alone ensures that I never will be alone. Hope is what wakes all of us up each morning...

This isn't a Diary.

It's been an odd few week since I've last written.

I don't know how to speak of some things without sharing too much. I am afraid of perhaps overstepping some boundaries that may offend some people in my life right now, or make myself sound like a bigger mess than I'm ready to share with the rest of you.

One of the things that has been on my mind is how badly I want to share some of the things I write in my diary with all of you - but I'm just not sure I'm ready for that. I'm not sure I'm ready for my inner most thoughts, feelings, and fears to be that out there for all of you to read.

I often struggle with thoughts of my ex, to be honest as great as he was on paper, he's not all that. But to me he was everything, and I have no idea how I'll find someone that could make me feel as safe or as taken care of as he could make me. He could erase so many of my emotional scars, deep emotional scars, by simply existing. He understood that they were a huge deal, that I survived through them, and he somehow made it all better. I mean don't get me wrong, I wasn't 100% better with him, but I was pretty good.

I struggle with the men that have wandered into my life lately. I've been forcing myself to like some people simply because I thought I could or that I should. Forcing yourself to like someone that is a total pile of garbage is never a good idea, because all it does is make you realize how NOT ready you are to be making decisions about who is good for you and who isn't...and how much your ex has NOT left your mind. I am so vulnerable that liking some people hasn't been about them at all, it's been about me. It's been that I created someone that didn't exist because I so badly wanted that person to be real so I could force myself into a state of mind that allows me to love someone else.

That being said, I struggle in general with all things that have to do with love. People keep telling me it'll happen when it happens and that I have to stop looking for it. But honestly, what single person has EVER stopped looking? I think the hope and and desire to find a person to love and to love you back can never die. It's the one thing that will forever be with you. It's the one thing I've dreamed of since I was a little girl, the one dream I allowed myself, and I don't think I can stop looking. I can only hope that my other half hasn't stopped looking for me.

Valentine's Day

Image via Wikipedia

It was very strange to have a Valentine's day without him. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. I wrote about it extensively in my diary...most of that is embarrassing so I'm glad I'm not sharing that with you guys - although I do want to type part of it to post on here and see if anyone comments on it. We'll see. Anyways - I wanted to share something I found to be quite romantic, something I connected to.

“I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.” - Humphrey Bogart, In A Lonely Place

No matter how I look at it I feel like my last relationship ended not bc I broke up with him but bc it ended bc he somehow broke MY heart when I began to finally accept that we were not well suited for one another...that I'd never win. I don't know how to describe it to anybody, or even to myself.

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hello

So I've been meaning to write bc there is a lot to update all of you on and a lot to say. A lot has happened and unfortunately none of it has been good.

I still have many bad moments in a day...although I have fewer bad days. My bad moments/days aren't always triggered by the absence of him necessarily but more-so by the gaping hole his absence has left behind. I am not sure how this winter will be - as someone who always struggled with winter depression I'm not looking forward to this winter I'll be spending as just me, myself and I.

Sometimes I'm just sad...and there doesn't seem to be any cure for it. 
 

Been awhile

It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you dear friends. This summer has been full of surprises…most of which have not been good. My heartache has lightly subsided although I cannot say I’ve gone more than a few hours without thinking about him. He is constantly on the back of my mind. He is who I measure all men up to, he is still the one I wish for and seem to be dedicated to. I’m not sure when this will change.

I’ve done my best to wade into the dating pool and have mostly been met with disappointment. Mostly because I've come into the realization that although I've never been very good at dating, I am now worse at it. This hasn’t been fun; especially since when I have a glass of wine I start babbling about him. It’s just been…blah.

People have been asking me lately what I’m looking for. I had found what I thought I was looking for...but we fit together awfully so perhaps I was wrong which means I dunno what I'm looking for. I have no idea what the man I'm supposed to be with is exactly like. Unfortunately, the only person I’ve been able to find myself drawn towards has been a total train wreck and is really the man you wouldn’t set up your worst enemy with for fear of karmic retribution. He's a mess himself and I often think to myself "I must've been so freaking wasted the entire time we were dating years ago because you really are all kinds of awful." The only thing that has kept me from falling into his trap fully is the fact that he cannot hold a candle to my man...er my ex-man. Except perhaps when comparing current bank accounts or family relationships.

The only thing I know about the man I'm looking for is that he's kind, funny, extremely intelligent and that he loves me. So let’s try it this way…here is an idea of WHAT type of relationship I’m looking for. Although it may only be able to be appreciate by my desi friends…here goes nothing.

You know that feeling you get when you're in the middle of a wonderful dream? That’s what I’m looking for.

When it happens I feel as though it’ll feel like when you're dehydrated for hours & finally get your hands on a bottle of water. Cleaning your ears using a Q-tip after a nice shower, Or when you finally itch that scratch that's been irritating you for hours. Or when you bite into ice cream on a super hot & muggy day. Or that feeling you get when hear children laughing at your funny faces or while you’re tickling them, Or that feeling when your bladder is about to burst so bad, and you finally relieve yourself, Or when you eat that first bite of veggie paneer makhani with a hot garlic naan from the best dhaaba on the roadside…

This love will be so far beyond effervescent! It's that first sip of fresh desi soda times ten million, like hot fresh ginger/mint desi chai in the morning every morning, Like Hajmola for your tummy ache, Like that first bathroom visit after eating all those hajmolas, like taking a dip in the clear blue waters of the Caribbean for the first time and marveling at the beauty surrounding you, The re-release of Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back in IMAX 3D, it’ll be more peaceful than a nice, long, relieving release of gas that you've been holding in all day, or hotter than making love to Johnny Depp (sidenote: dating Johnny Depp…is this an option?!), it’ll be magical like watching the Lions win on the road while surrounded by friends and eating awesome pizza.

It will feel like all of these things combined and even more all the time. How do I find that? Did I already have that?

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